I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
