i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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