I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
