i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
