woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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