Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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