He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
