You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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