did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Is it penis luge time yet?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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