thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
My liver just broke up with me...
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
