i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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