I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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