Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
