i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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