He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
