Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I won't apologize to a one balled man
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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