I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
