highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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