I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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