I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
