I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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