My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
