I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I could make wine with my vomit
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
