Just fell off a train. Bad.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
