I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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