Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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