I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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