If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
