my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
