I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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