good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
