My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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