I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
