my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
