Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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