Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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