he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
