I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
