the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
