I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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