So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
