I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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