Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
