you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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