i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
