I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
