Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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