Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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