I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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