wakey wakey hands off snakey
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
