i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
