Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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