Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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